underneath a soldier

(a poem)

underneath a solider 

I want to be armed
when I am shaking
to carry metal and bullets on my hips

to watch my fear
bitter as the callous air of deep winter
force its exit
out of my skin

I want to be missed
by a wife who waits
for my return

who lights a candle
and keeps the stove on
to heat up the leftovers 
she couldn’t eat

because I may never come back
with the mud on my shoes
and the weapon
that I can’t bring myself to use

it wears my body
and it holds my beliefs

but my God knows
I am a coward underneath