The in-between is so destabilizing, especially when the space has grown so large in our hearts things appear to be crumbling. The ego-mind jumps into hyper-vigilance mode in a frightened attempt to put the old pieces of our identity back together. But alas, the new is still being constructed on the scaffolding of our presence, our commitment to something beautiful, which is why we must turn our full attention to the soul and listen closely to the whispers, even if all we hear is not yet, don’t look at wings until they are ready. 💖
I'm fond of pointing out that humans have a basic need to be part of a group AND to be seen/appreciated as individuals.
Sometimes those two aspects can collide - and a little "alone" time can be healthy.
BUT - self imposed isolation to "recharge" and "reorient" is much different than "hiding."
HIDING can become a viscious cycle - e.g. hiding because of fear can lead to even more and deeper isolation. Which tends to be why "group therapy" is recommended for a large number of "issues"
The group isn't automatically "healthy" but it is better than drowning in despair.
So, you are seen and appreciated little one. Thank you for sharing.
A while back, maybe a year ago - I felt this way - numb. Like i had lost every bit of magic i'd ever had. And in the midst of that I came across your glasshaus performance - i'm not sure which song it was, maybe 'save me' - i just burst into tears, which is not something that normally happens to me at all! Everything about it just affected me in a totally unexpected way - but it opened the floodgates and in that outpouring of emotion I felt something again, it made me feel human again. I will be forever grateful to you for that. It is not anyone's responsibility to single-handedly take away the pain of the world, certainly not yours. But please know that the art you've created *has* helped people who were caught in the storm to find some solid ground. I know because i am one of them.
That really means so much to me, I'm so glad that by staying with my most vulnerable moments, it turned into solidarity and strength for someone else too.
I feel less alone in my groundlessness reading this. Can very much relate to ‘being plagued by taunting shiny memories’ - beautifully worded. Thank you for sharing.
Recently, I'm finding it difficult to express myself publicly / socially. It's likely different in many ways from how you're feeling now, but I sense some similarities, too. What we need to remember is that liminal spaces can feel very vast and void, but they're transitional, bordering on all manner of other places where we might like to be. And that's often part of my problem, not knowing which direction to go from here, because each direction feels equally hopeful and hopeless. The shiny past self has dimmed, and awareness of the dimming feeds on itself, making everything less and less bright. The indecision about where to go from here only leaves us wandering in circles in the middle of a soul-draining limbo. So we pick a direction and go, because we must. Perhaps the direction will be a good one... as no option seems it would be the "right" or "best" one. But we can't stay where we are. So, yeah... Pick a direction and "write through it," as you say. It's got to be better than standing still. Thanks for the post, Kimbra. I always look forward to a word from you, even when I'm not in a place good enough to give a response. We're all in this together, and now is our time, so we should try and make the best of it, helping ourselves and each other the best we can, yeah? Cheers.
I've been going through a long night, myself, trying to keep moving without doing too much ruminating on where I went wrong in the past (easier said than done). Not knowing why things have to be this way is the hardest part. Though I wouldn't wish the way I feel on anyone, it is good to be reminded that we're not alone in feeling this way.
A few months ago I wrote a song about leaving behind the things I thought were helping me along, the crumbling structures I thought would support my inner world, and the dreams that mutated into manipulative gods. If I may be so bold as to share (with one of my favorite songwriters!) a fragment of that song which your post brought to mind:
Thank you for sharing this. You are not alone in these feelings. Thank you for telling me I'm not alone in mine either. Your words and paintings are beautiful. You are vital. Aroha nui e hoa
The mind is a tricky one. The more we trust our thoughts, the more confused we get. But it is all in there, in the thinking. There is another thing happening that is not thinking, a serene light that is ever-present.
The world is utter turmoil that most can only witness and try to make sense of. The human experience at this point makes no sense on any level. All we have been "taught" about the right things to do and the ways to be to live a good life and reap the benefits of that righteous behavior was all "bullshit" apparently as those whose lives are evil incarnate, (it seems), hold sway and win the day...over and over again with no punishment. The monsters are winning. At least it certainly feels that way. To feel guilty that we might be far away from the horrors we are seeing, only chips away at the soul until there is nothing left and no one there to help to repair the damage. There are times we need to look away to regather ourselves...our being...our raison detre, our reality in realtime. It is neccasary and is not something to feel shame for, (easy to say for sure). To be of any help to anyone, yourself included, to do one thing a day, is perhaps enough in the larger scheme of things. This is the trust part that is so difficult. not for nothing but the fear of doing anything in any direction you describe sounds like executive decision making disfunction...It comes with burn out and the catch 22 of anxiety that it creates and compounds. For me it came as all of that as well as a horrid genome. My Mother suffered from it as well, (though never diagnosed),and as I noticed it, knew I needed to see what was happening to me. Not to go on with what seems to be the malady du jour of an ADHD diagnosis, (for me at aged 59), but don't discount a medical need to keep yourself afloat. My lights came back on and things are getting better. Do not drown in not knowing or the fear that something is underlying somehow. I did what I feared by confronting that behavior, as much as it scared the piss out of me. Do not feel doubly bad if those that love and care about you worry about your furrowed brow. That's part of why we as your supporters and friends, either near or far can help you carry through. Much love no matter what K!
What you feel “they used to call the blues.” (And you know it don't easy) Some called it “writer’s block.” An advise was to “forget your perfect offering, there’s a crack in everything… that’s how the light gets in.” In the end you just “ring the bell that can still be rung.”
“A fear of taking a step in any direction” is definitely relatable. Sometimes you don’t see the whole picture and why you’re at a particular juncture until you’re through it
The in-between is so destabilizing, especially when the space has grown so large in our hearts things appear to be crumbling. The ego-mind jumps into hyper-vigilance mode in a frightened attempt to put the old pieces of our identity back together. But alas, the new is still being constructed on the scaffolding of our presence, our commitment to something beautiful, which is why we must turn our full attention to the soul and listen closely to the whispers, even if all we hear is not yet, don’t look at wings until they are ready. 💖
Even if all we hear is not yet... Thank you Susan.
I'm fond of pointing out that humans have a basic need to be part of a group AND to be seen/appreciated as individuals.
Sometimes those two aspects can collide - and a little "alone" time can be healthy.
BUT - self imposed isolation to "recharge" and "reorient" is much different than "hiding."
HIDING can become a viscious cycle - e.g. hiding because of fear can lead to even more and deeper isolation. Which tends to be why "group therapy" is recommended for a large number of "issues"
The group isn't automatically "healthy" but it is better than drowning in despair.
So, you are seen and appreciated little one. Thank you for sharing.
A while back, maybe a year ago - I felt this way - numb. Like i had lost every bit of magic i'd ever had. And in the midst of that I came across your glasshaus performance - i'm not sure which song it was, maybe 'save me' - i just burst into tears, which is not something that normally happens to me at all! Everything about it just affected me in a totally unexpected way - but it opened the floodgates and in that outpouring of emotion I felt something again, it made me feel human again. I will be forever grateful to you for that. It is not anyone's responsibility to single-handedly take away the pain of the world, certainly not yours. But please know that the art you've created *has* helped people who were caught in the storm to find some solid ground. I know because i am one of them.
That really means so much to me, I'm so glad that by staying with my most vulnerable moments, it turned into solidarity and strength for someone else too.
Intensely relatable, foggy films fracturing connections. The sun is rising though, and we will see new horizons ❤️
Brilliant words for someone who can’t find them. The vitality of getting older, and the willingness to die - for so much more. I love it.
Trust…
I feel less alone in my groundlessness reading this. Can very much relate to ‘being plagued by taunting shiny memories’ - beautifully worded. Thank you for sharing.
PS love your music!
Recently, I'm finding it difficult to express myself publicly / socially. It's likely different in many ways from how you're feeling now, but I sense some similarities, too. What we need to remember is that liminal spaces can feel very vast and void, but they're transitional, bordering on all manner of other places where we might like to be. And that's often part of my problem, not knowing which direction to go from here, because each direction feels equally hopeful and hopeless. The shiny past self has dimmed, and awareness of the dimming feeds on itself, making everything less and less bright. The indecision about where to go from here only leaves us wandering in circles in the middle of a soul-draining limbo. So we pick a direction and go, because we must. Perhaps the direction will be a good one... as no option seems it would be the "right" or "best" one. But we can't stay where we are. So, yeah... Pick a direction and "write through it," as you say. It's got to be better than standing still. Thanks for the post, Kimbra. I always look forward to a word from you, even when I'm not in a place good enough to give a response. We're all in this together, and now is our time, so we should try and make the best of it, helping ourselves and each other the best we can, yeah? Cheers.
Thank you for sharing this, and yes remembering that the void is actually transitional is a powerful shift in awareness.
I've been going through a long night, myself, trying to keep moving without doing too much ruminating on where I went wrong in the past (easier said than done). Not knowing why things have to be this way is the hardest part. Though I wouldn't wish the way I feel on anyone, it is good to be reminded that we're not alone in feeling this way.
A few months ago I wrote a song about leaving behind the things I thought were helping me along, the crumbling structures I thought would support my inner world, and the dreams that mutated into manipulative gods. If I may be so bold as to share (with one of my favorite songwriters!) a fragment of that song which your post brought to mind:
"Though your heart be hollowed out inside
Though the doing feel like suicide
You're alive—you've survived
You've been broke like bread
The better to arise."
Thank you for sharing this. You are not alone in these feelings. Thank you for telling me I'm not alone in mine either. Your words and paintings are beautiful. You are vital. Aroha nui e hoa
The mind is a tricky one. The more we trust our thoughts, the more confused we get. But it is all in there, in the thinking. There is another thing happening that is not thinking, a serene light that is ever-present.
The world is utter turmoil that most can only witness and try to make sense of. The human experience at this point makes no sense on any level. All we have been "taught" about the right things to do and the ways to be to live a good life and reap the benefits of that righteous behavior was all "bullshit" apparently as those whose lives are evil incarnate, (it seems), hold sway and win the day...over and over again with no punishment. The monsters are winning. At least it certainly feels that way. To feel guilty that we might be far away from the horrors we are seeing, only chips away at the soul until there is nothing left and no one there to help to repair the damage. There are times we need to look away to regather ourselves...our being...our raison detre, our reality in realtime. It is neccasary and is not something to feel shame for, (easy to say for sure). To be of any help to anyone, yourself included, to do one thing a day, is perhaps enough in the larger scheme of things. This is the trust part that is so difficult. not for nothing but the fear of doing anything in any direction you describe sounds like executive decision making disfunction...It comes with burn out and the catch 22 of anxiety that it creates and compounds. For me it came as all of that as well as a horrid genome. My Mother suffered from it as well, (though never diagnosed),and as I noticed it, knew I needed to see what was happening to me. Not to go on with what seems to be the malady du jour of an ADHD diagnosis, (for me at aged 59), but don't discount a medical need to keep yourself afloat. My lights came back on and things are getting better. Do not drown in not knowing or the fear that something is underlying somehow. I did what I feared by confronting that behavior, as much as it scared the piss out of me. Do not feel doubly bad if those that love and care about you worry about your furrowed brow. That's part of why we as your supporters and friends, either near or far can help you carry through. Much love no matter what K!
I'm feeling scared about very similar thoughts right now too.
This piece is just such a powerful relatable speech. Thanks!
What you feel “they used to call the blues.” (And you know it don't easy) Some called it “writer’s block.” An advise was to “forget your perfect offering, there’s a crack in everything… that’s how the light gets in.” In the end you just “ring the bell that can still be rung.”
Good luck.
“A fear of taking a step in any direction” is definitely relatable. Sometimes you don’t see the whole picture and why you’re at a particular juncture until you’re through it
XOXO. Sounds like writers block with your emotions getting in the way. I'm here for you, no matter what!